1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition.
Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."
That should about do it.
