Rules of Texas:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and
west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton
strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL
shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at
the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's
available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,
and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce! ! Oh,
yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...
IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real
chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and
the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks
the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come
outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still
wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any
other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the
best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States
can't make it without Texas!"
