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How about a jokes topic page? :dance:
You could start with this one:-
An Irishman (known for their stupidity in UK) was flying to JFK International Airport and was asked by Air Traffic Contol:-
"What is your height and position?"
The reply given was:-
"I'm 6ft tall and sitting in the front!" :lolup:
Apologies to all Irishmen!
I’m all for jokes but you might be on the cusp of racialism with that one. I am Irish!;)
Hi Charger :D
I did Say appologies to all Irishmen.
Also Irishmen are known for their 'good' humour.
Maybe this one thenQ:- What do you call a good looking Asian?Quote:
With Appologies to all Asians
A:- Asif :barfy:
How many irishman does it take to change a light bulb ?
144 = 143 to hold the ceiling 1 to turn the bulb!
Or is there another answer?
Quote:
PS, I like your sig.
Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman are in a diner.
Englishman says to the waitress "pass me the sugar Sugar"
Scotsman says to the waitress "pass me the honey Honey"
Irishman says to the waitress "pass me the bacon you big fat pig"
Pi$$ My Self Laffin (PMSL)
Have you heard about the Irishman who Bought a meal in a restaurant and sneaked out without Eating it!
Being from this part of the world we get more jokes about us and laugh at most of them because we joke about ourself's. Now could this be Racial in today's world.
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A newfie taxi driver in St. John's picks up an American. The
American starts bragging about how quickly Americans build things.
"We built the Empire State building in one year and the Golden Gate
bridge in two years". As they pass the Newfoundland Hotel the
American asks what that building is. The Newfie replies "I don't
know. It wasn't there when I drove by this morning!".
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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Newfie had decided to go on a
hunting trip and were staying in a cabin in the woods. They decided
to go hunting one at a time, while the other two stayed and guarded
the cabin.
The Irishman goes out first and comes back with a fox. He says, very
simply, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox."
Then the Englishman goes out and comes back with a rabbit. He
says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch rabbit."
Then it was the Newfie's turn. He goes out and comes back limping
and badly beaten up. He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit
by train."
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A TRUE STORY!
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Oh ya I forgot , My great grand parents were Irish, I guess that means me too. LMAO
Newfie Jokes
As part of our efforts to educate Americans about Canadian culture, we bring you the Newfie joke. Newfoundland was the last province to join Confederation in 1949. They had the choice of either becoming part of Canada or part of the US. They decided to join Canada, and became our national joke. No, seriously, Albertans are a national joke, but that's another story...
The Newfie joke is a very unique form of joke, usually in two forms. The first is the Newfie outwitting the mainlander:
What's black and blue and floats in the bay?
A mainlander telling a Newfie joke
or:
Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?
Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelet instead?
The second form is making fun of a Newfie, such as:
How do you confuse a Newfie?
You put his welfare check in his boot.
Crude and cruel, yes. However, it is no coincidence that some of the best, brash and bravado humor comes from the Martimes, and I don't mean Anne Murray. Codco, with the "House of Budgell" and "Friday Night Girls" take full advantage of a peculiar accent and woes of Newfies.
A few members of Codco later created This Hour Has 22 Minutes, a no-holds barred satire on news programs.
You know your from Newfoundland when....
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You have 10 favorite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
Newfies may be to Canada what Rednecks are to the Southern US, but until you've traveled frequently throughout Alberta, rednecks are not an isolated people. Weirdly enough, Ernest C. Manning's eugenics programs in the thirties seems to have missed a lot of "mental defectives". Just kidding, but the next time you're stuck in a place called Dog Pound or Cereal, you can't avoid feeling like "Dueling Banjos" is going to be heard vaguely in the distance.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don't Ya ?"
WAR IS......
W A R = We Are Right!
All warfare is based on deception!
In war there is no substite for victory!
The fear of war is worse that war itself!
To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war!
War is the playground of the ignorant!
War is the usual condition of the Middle East!
War would end, if the dead could return!
How is it possible to have a 'civil' war!
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself!
Sorry to be so serious......
This blonde was sitting in a rowboat rowing in the middle of a field when another blonde came screeching to a halt in her car along side the field, jumped out and ran to the edge of the field. She yells out at the blonde in the rowboat...
"You know its blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name..."
"...and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Laws Of Combat Operations:-
Friendly fire isn't
Recoiless rifles aren't
You are not Superman, Marines and Fighter Pilots take note
If its stupid and it works, it isn't stupid.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two occasions. When theyre ready and when your not.
All five second grenades burn down in three secondsTeamwork is important, it gives the enemy someone to shoot at.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around youWhen you have secured the area, make sure the enemy know it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
The only thing more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
If the enemy are within range so are you!
Anything an get you killed, including nothing.
Tracers work both ways.
Professional soldiers are right, the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intellgance is a contradiction.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you.
Fly high you'll die, low & slow it'll go.
The cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Mines are equal oportunity weapons.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Its not the one with your name on it. its the one addressed to "whom it may concern"
The most dangerous thing on the battlefield is an officer with a map.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
The enemy always times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the latrine.
The enemy usuaslly attacks on two occasions, when they are ready and
when youre not.
Field experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
The peak of Mt Everest would flood if an Army unit where to set up camp on it.
Four wheel drive just means you get stuck in more innaccesable places.
If you don't care where you are, you aint lost.
There is no such thing as an unfair advantage.
Its better to give than to receive.
And, Have a nice day!
New York Giants Football Club are on the lookout for some new talent and send a scout to Iraq where they find a fantastic new player.
The Giants manager flies to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed, so he arranges for him to come over to New York.
Two weeks later The Giants are down against The Eagles with only 15 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and in he goes.
The lad is sensational, he scores 5 touchdowns and wins the game for The Giants.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in American Football. "Hello mum, guess what - I played for 15 minutes today, scored 5 touchdowns and won the game. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day...while you were having a great time, your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters."
The young lad is very upset, "What can i say mum, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "Its your fault we moved to New York in the first place!"
With appologies and I hope all you Yank's can laugh at this! :wavey:
LMFAO!!!! I grew up in WASH D.C., that's not too far off a description of my neighborhood!!!!
hmmm, i think its kinda funny when europeans make jokes about american sports/ cities...:P