Homilies to live by

> 1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
> day; teach that person to use the Internet and
> they won't bother you for weeks.
>
> 2. Some people are like Slinkies...not really
> good for anything, but you still can't help but
> smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>
> 3. I read recipes the same way I read science
> fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well,
> that's not going to happen."
>
> 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
> lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>
> 5. The other night I ate at a real family
> restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
>
> 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a
> camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
> UFOs like they used to.
>
> 7. According to a recent survey, men say the
> first thing they notice about a woman is their
> eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
> about men is they're a bunch of liars.
>
> 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
> 9. All of us could take a lesson from the
> weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>
> 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase
> costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial
> tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>
> 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the
> world weird. Now the world is weird and people
> take Prozac to make it normal.
>
> 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
> profession. I have come to realize that it bears
> a very close resemblance to the first.
>
> 13. There is a theory which states that if ever
> anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is
> for and why it is here, it will instantly
> disappear and be replaced by something even more
> bizarre and inexplicable. There is an! other theory
> which states that this has already happened.
>
> 14. How is it one careless match can start a
> forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start
> campfire? (And I can't get anything happening
> in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower)
>
> 15. You read about all these terrorists--most of
> them came here legally, but they hung around on
> these expired visas, some for as long as
> 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
> you're two days late with a video and those
> people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
> charge of immigration.