Posts from the OLD DFArena forums:
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
~~~
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
If it was true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!
A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV.
The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."
The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!"
shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied,
"You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6.LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat both before they are born and after they are dead.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines
Husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table. Husband gets up and goes to the cupboard. He brings back a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water. He places it in front of his wife. Wife says "What's that for? I don't have a headache." Husband says "GOTCHA!"
~~~
Disorder in the court.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
~~~
Murphy's Technology Laws - OR - How Novalogic REALLY Works....
1.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3.Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some **** fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4.Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6.The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7.The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9.Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10.All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11.Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12.Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13.All's well that ends.
14.A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15.The first myth of management is that it exists.
16.A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17.New systems generate new problems.
18.To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19.We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22.A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23.The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
24.Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
25.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
26.The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
27.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
28.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
29.Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
30.A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
31.If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
32.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
33.Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
34.Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it **** well pleases.
35.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
36.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
37.In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
38.Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
39.All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
40.The only perfect science is hind-sight.
41.Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
42.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
43.If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
44.When all else fails, read the instructions.
45.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
46.Everything that goes up must come down.
47.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
48.Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
49.Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
50.The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51.Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
